Thursday, June 8, 2017

Renungan Singkat

Sebenernya gue mah apa, bilang kayak gini. Jadi muslimah seutuhnya aja belum. Islam gue belum kaffah. Iman gue masih sering turun, naiknya jarang, padahal levelnya aja udah di bawah banget. But one day this-everyday-saying really hit me.

"After Allah gave 24hours chances for you taking breath, doing so much things you can do, how many hours spent just to remember Him?"

Kayanya kita mah udah sibuk banget sama yang lain-lain, sampai 24 jam aja sering terasa kurang cukup buat ngelakuin kerjaan kita. Dulu gue pernah baca cerita dari seorang muslim Indonesia yang kerja di Arab Saudi. Dalam cerita itu masyarakat disana kok ya kebanyakan masuk kantornya siang banget, bahkan lewat dari jam masuk kantor. Sangat berbeda dengan di Jakarta yang berangkatnya aja dari subuh. Tapi ada yang menarik kalau adzan udah berkumandang. Mereka gesit banget. Bahkan kalau bisa sebelum adzan pun mereka udah keluar kantor buat ke masjid. Wew. Awal gue baca cerita ini, jujur aja gue gasuka. Bener sih seperti zaman Rasulullah juga setiap pasar bahkan ditutup kalau adzan udah berkumandang. Tapi cuy, bukannya kerja keras itu salah satu bentuk ibadah juga ya? Bukannya disiplin itu sifat dari Islam juga?

Nah, akhirnya jawaban itu baru-baru aja di Ramadhan ini gue dapatkan. Bahkan gue melakukannya juga. Bahwa kerjaan kita sebenernya di dunia ya cuma buat ibadah aja sama Allah. Gak lain. Semakin sibuk kita, justru semakin kita ngedeketin Allah. Dekat sama Allah bukan hanya sekedar ibadah yang banyak. Dzikir ke Allah gak cuma baca puji-pujian dan shalawatan aja.

Gue saat ini sedang masa mengerjakan tugas akhir kuliah. Kalau boleh blak-blakan progress gue tuh lemot banget. Ketika h-3 deadline yang seharusnya progress sudah 75%, gue bahkan belum menyentuh sampai 20%. Sepanjang hari kemarin gue cuma procrastinating sama hal-hal yang gak prioritas buat diri gue sendiri. Selama gue menunda ya gue stres sendiri, tapi gak ngerjain-ngerjain juga. Masuk ke Ramadhan ini juga, sama aja. Progress gue tetap lambat. Yang beda hanya satu. Paling engga gue berusaha saat-saat procrastinating itu gue pake buat ngaji atau shalat sunnah. Gue bukan mau pamer ibadah, gak ada yang perlu dipamerin juga karena ibadah gue gak sekeren itu kok. Tapi gue mau pamer bahwa dengan hal yang gue lakuin itu buat gue belajar sadar dan merasa lebih dewasa (well, at least menurut gue). Hal ini sama sekali gak bikin TA gue dengan ajaib selesai. Gak. Tapi hal ini buat gue lebih santai, gue selalu ngerasa bahwa pasti TA gue akan selesai tepat waktu. Tentunya sambil gue memaksa diri buat ngerjain sih.. Hanya, karena gue udah berniat untuk menjadikan Ramadhan ini gak sia-sia dengan kemalasan ibadah gue, jadwal buat ibadah gue lah yang ngeharusin gue mau-gamau ngerjain TA.
"Ayo ih, kerjain sekarang kan nanti mau tarawih." Something like that.

Gak cuma bikin jadwal gue lebih teratur, hal yang gue lakukan ini juga bikin gue dzikir sama Allah gak sebatas bilang "Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah" dan lain-lain. Untuk memuji Allah banyak-banyak mulut gue gak semampu Rasulullah. Gue selalu berusaha dzikr (which is the true meaning of dzikr is "remember") dengan positive thinking sama Allah. Setiap gue stres gue gak sepintar itu merangkai kata dan menyampaikan cerita dengan baik ke orang lain, jadi gue ceritanya ya ke Allah. Ngeluhnya ke Allah. Minta bantuinnya ke Allah. Selain itu, cerita sama Allah gapernah salah karena cerita kita gak akan bocor, nangis sebanyak apapun gak akan dibilang cengeng, ngeluh sebanyak apapun gak akan dimarahin dan dipaksa. Hanya, kita perlu ingat Allah berfirman dalam ayat-Nya (QS 13:11, yak dibuka ya sis al-Quran nya:))

Jadi, at least, 1 dari 12 bulan deh kita jadi lebih rajin inget Dia. Sebenernya kehebatan Allah gak kurang atau jadi lebih karena kita ibadah. Gak ngaruh. Tapi kitanya yang butuh. Gimana mau ditolongin kalau kita gak minta tolong?

Saturday, April 8, 2017

You vs You

Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the meanest of them all

Standing on the mirror who the evil
The enemy you fight is real

Why oh why, how could this be
Piece to piece in my body
Going harm, getting hurt, having no ending
Each to each worry but no sorry

You may own the body, got brain in perfect
But closed door in heart, sound of it cannot crack
You wary, nervous, shaky, too much clearly
No wonder what is happen, sick and wreck
Scared with rejection, light up your sorrow

Then you become a doll
Hiding behing wall
Age only number, realize now
Still such a kid have no courage at all

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Should we celebrate Happiness Day?

A little encouragement from your lecturer, a simple joke from friends which telling you they care about you, had super comfy worn-out shoes as your companion these years, found out your favorite brush style, wake up in the morning without alarm, finally got a best spot in library, ... ...

Those are little things from little things of my happiness this week. Like how I told you in some posts that I'm kinda introvert person. And in my alone-mode I usually start to think deeper, or I could say wiser (at least I try to :p) I think about how mu future will be cause I still cannot list true dreams and write my vision. I think about how much older I grew and how many achievements I had until this age. I think about my friends and how funny (in a good way) to me about our topic in conversation already changed to next step. I think about how my parents, sisters, brother grew up and grew old. Most of times, think of these things bring me to this conclusion: happiness.

I started going to stress everytime I think about my future. Not because I'm not confidence with myself, but I just really can't draw my dreams, know what I want. But I thank to God for time He gave so I got time to think think and think, to tell myself not being such a rush and enjoy every little progress. Then I remember about everyone in my life. People are being so lovely and care so much about me without asking much from me. Sometimes I think what I gave to them for being such a good person. I never give anything precious. But they constantly showering me love. I can't do anything good for them so I hope my pray enough to pay them back. That's why I thank to God for any little things. I surrounded by good people, good things. What is the reason I could stress or being sad for a long time? What is the reason I ask more for things I can't treat well? What is the reason I want anyone else's life in my beautiful life? What is any reasons??

I just need to praise some little things and by that, I just can't stop to mention all good things. I am writing this post because I just found out about International Happiness Day. I don't really celebrate as a happy day in one day. Because we (absolutely) can be happy everyday. But sometimes we forget. We forget that happiness is one of human rights, as Jayme Illien said. We forget to take care ourselves. We forget actually we're sad because we don't think more about happiness moment. We're sad because we are unfair to ourselves. We don't try to swim but let ourselves drown at the bottom of pool. 

So today, rather than to celebrate with party or doing any other charity, I just want to do a little thing. Remind myself and all of you,
Let's remember again together that we already had things enough to say "Alhamdulillah".

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Wednesday, February 15, 2017


"A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living." - Virginia Woolf


I adore this kind of words! I just getting tired for everyone who says that "everyone change" from negative perspective. What is wrong with changes? Unless you are not ready for it, maybe you never really know him/her is what's true. As human, I (really) do change. I transform. I live constantly, except I am statue-which I'm not, I really move! I make movement, change something in myself—under conscious or not.
Physically, of course, I grew a lot. From a cutey little sweety baby who giggles here and there, to a woman who try explore anything anywhere. I tend to think more rational, fed up my curiosity everyday, getting along with any kind people (failed sometimes), barely know what rights and wrongs, arrange priorities. I want to know more and more about myself. I try hard to do what I want at its best.

First thing first, what I change is my environment. I surround myself with positive people. The main reason is because as human I adapt. I try to surround myself with people who like to tell and share for goods. I try to get close with people who's not going to harm my feeling with harsh (even joking) words, but saying good compliments instead.

So for the better change, I choose to surround myself with good people. So welcome, good friends!

Chagiya Cafe

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Solitude, Heals and Kills

Solitude is my healing time. I tend to be alone to reflect myself, wondering what happened and how days passed. I find it hard to tell what's going on me. I just feel tired to explain and arrange perfectly beautiful words in sentence. Telling myself to keep feelings alone better than talk to others and ended up with misconception.

In every single day, there is time that I don't feel to talk to anybody. I hate ito hear all noisy laugh, meaningless words, harsh jokes. But in silence we could talk. I always wanted to know, and never felt enough to hanging around with myself. I'm getting know and love myself more and more.

Gradient of red to yellow—orange-ish sky and chirping birds.
Open green grass with breeze make dancing trees and leaves.
Reflection at pond and sound of flowing water.
Night strolling at sidewalk under city lights.

But that night. 
That night was different. That night I walked in a rush. Uncomfortable with those eyes of people. I hate to listen laughter of kids. I hate to see singing musician. I hate to know those families feel happy. I felt insecure. I felt afraid. Night was chill, cold to my bone. I couldn't feel peace in my solitude. I was getting more and more nervous. 

And so the time goes, I realized. That night is the first time. I'm alone and lonely. That night is the first time. Solitude kills me. That night is the first time. I thought I need someone to accompany. I miss someone who can I really talk to, share everything related, tell exactly what's on my mind. That night is the first time. I admit there's time I cannot be alone. Because I'm still human being. Need someone to talk and rely on.

Peta Park


Thursday, February 9, 2017

Pagi-pagi di Hari Kini

Tersedak-sedak aku di pagi-pagi. Membacanya membuatku langsung membuka obrolan kita terakhir kali. Meraung-raung aku jadinya. Aku tidak tau kapan terakhir kali aku bilang sayang padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku memelukmu, kapan terakhir kali aku terisak mengeluh padamu, kapan terakhir kali aku mencari-carimu, kapan terakhir aku mencium tanganmu. Sosokmu begitu kuat, begitu bisa diandalkan, begitu tidak pernah menangis di depanku hingga aku dapat memiliki kesempatan mengusapnya. Berkali-kali dirimu mengomel ini-itu tidak sebanyak sayangmu. Berkali-kali ketidakpedulianmu tidak sebanyak kekhawatiranmu. Sedihkah kamu memiliki kami yang tidak pandai menyampaikan cinta? Kami hanya seringkali memerlukanmu ketimbang menawarkan diri padamu. 

Dahulu, kita tertawa. Pada jenaka yang tiba-tiba ada dan hanya kita semua yang mengerti saja. Dahulu, kita saling menatap. Pada tiap pagi di meja makan dengan sarapan tersedia. Dahulu, kita ada banyak tanya. "Bagaimana hari ini?" "Capek, ya?" "Besok mau kemana?" "Mau makan apa?" Tapi semuanya selalu datang darimu, dan aku hanya menerima. Yang bahkan menerimanya pun aku tidak pandai.

Kini aku dewasa. Aku merasa semua sudah perlu kutanggung semua, hal ini hal itu adalah aku yang pegang semua. Sampai kita beda dunia. Aku anggap dirimu tak tau apa-apa, tidak membiarkan dan mengantarkanmu tau cerita dan suka dukaku. Tiba-tiba saja kamu jadi tidak tau apa-apa tentangku, "Loh sama siapa?" "Emang pernah?" "Kapan itu?" "Itu apa?"

Lalu aku sadar, kita jauh. Lebih dari jarak antar kota. Kita sejauh umur, yang tak tau kapan habisnya.

Aku rindu. Pada setiap canda dan senyummu. Aku mau. Memberi hadiah dan mengusap punggungmu pada lelah. Aku selalu. Sayang dan butuh dirimu.
Namun, aku tidak pandai pada semua itu. Hingga saat ini aku tau, we never could pay everything you give, Mom.