I'm in train station, waiting for my train at 2pm. Such a looong wait I know. And i'm alone. Most of people would be so lonely then playing with their bestfriend-technology. Using phone to scroll social media, listen to best playlist, watch latest download of movie or drama. But I'm too stingy-even to myself, just for using my mobile data and phone battery. So, I just keep taking sleep (long as I could) or watching people there.
Sitting left beside me, a man. An old man, to be specific. A double couple actually. So there are two old men and two old women. Around 70, I guess?
An old man beside me looks so uneasy. I don't know what he says because he's using Chinese. He keeps searching something in his luggage trembling. After minutes, he want to put a trash. And her wife ordering him to say excuse to us–people he through by. I can see he walk little bit unsteadily.
His wife doing conversation with her friend. And two old men stay silent sitting beside their each wives.
Their train is coming. And each one of them taking one luggage. Again, wife of old man ordering him how to bring the luggage well. I can see the old man cannot do well. The rolls are flipside. I wonder is wife really love the old man so she keeps ordering him to do everything because she believe he can do all by himself and make him to be independent? But I wish, she can lend a little help so his husband could walk in comfort, she can lay her hand in his waist so they can walk together.
Then again, I don't know if they're a real couple or not.
Sitting right beside me, a family. A woman, an old women, and children at backside–most of them boys. The children keep talking each other, telling jokes. Her granny looks so annoyed and tell them to keep their mouths shut. To add, she threating to lock them in bathroom once. She tell them if they want to sleepover at hers, they must be good quiet boys. Funny thing is, when she asking their preference between her and their another granny (I think she just want to make sure they could be quiet), they don't pick her. I wonder are they really the truth or just making some joke to their granny? But could the old women say good things or pick good words to tell them quiet? Or she just could ask them to lower their voice since they must be bored if they keep shut?
Still, I don't know how long they've been together today and how bad she handle her patient all day.
Wednesday. It's a weekday. I'm taking commuter line train and I know it must be full since it's already passed work hour. As I get in the train, I hear someone snoozing. A little loud actually. If this is the first time I use commuter line train around this hour, I may get annoyed and will grumbling myself. But I'm not. And looking her sweating in cool temperature, her glasses slipped to her mouth almost fall, I guess she just really tired. After some stations, thank God, I can sit. I'm sitting near the woman. Sitting beside me, a younger woman wearing work outfit look. She is recording the snoozing woman beside her. An Instagram video. I cannot understand what is younger woman's purpose. What making me angrier is, she's adding monkey-face emoji right on snoozing woman's face. I really want to ask the younger woman, is she knows the snoozing women? Is she knows how hard the snoozing women has been through today? Is she know how hurt the snoozing women to breath since she is big size, so that is why she snooze to let her breath?
Then again, I don't know how hard the younger woman's work today too. I don't know how long she handle her patience to not get annoyed with the snooze sound.
I'm waiting a campus bus on shelter. Wondering is life this cruel, or am I just being too sensitive? Thinking that we can get married and live with unexpected not long lasting romance. We can have a family member who hard to say a good words. We can meet someone who is making any one else as a joke. Why is people not living and treat another like they want to be treated?
After all, there's always a person who keep wonder alone in their thought, making some negative thought and perception, conclude everything she saw with know nothing. Keep shut instead help. Too much thinking instead get act to do what they thing might be better.
And it's me.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
There is one thing
A secret that you keep
Alone in your heart
Years by years
There is no one you told
A little thing, fade out fade in
Sometimes you forget
Sometimes you remember
Sometimes you think all time
Sometimes you don't care
Sometimes you can't get over it
But after all this time
Suddenly you wondering about the truth of secret
Because it just so bad and you cannot
(re)imagine that moment,
if it's really happen(ed)
And now you've been asking to yourself:
Is the secret you keep,
A real one or just an illusion of your fantasy?
is real or just a conclusion of your probabilities thought?
No matter it is
Real or just fantasy
There is one thing you should know
Forget or get it clear
Cause you never know,
the secret you keep
heart, in deep
could grow to be Hatred.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Life could be beautiful, everything happen as you expect. Wonderful as you wished.
Until you gotta wake up, even if you already awake in reality.
Because in sudden time, you may realize that those happy moments actually not yours.
Some good things happen not to make you smile, but force you to smile.
You want to choose your way but you cannot.
Your dream-which finally you figured out after think about all year-
is right in front of you but you cannot reach. What's happen in your life
not always meant to be your rights. Yes, you may choose what you wants.
But life is not simple like that. When you choose something,
you choose one between yourself or anyone else, ended up
you choose what's happen next in your life.
In the end, all you have to do is try to understand;
There are moments happen to teach you how to hold your wants,
how to please others, how to neglect your sad.
Well, everything happen for reason. Yes I know.
I don't know if I can understand, but
.. at least I try.
Friday, September 15, 2017
Nyokap pernah bilang. Hidup anak bersama orangtua itu sebentar, apalagi anak gadis yang akan hidup bersama pemimpinnya. Bahkan ada yang bilang bahwa orangtua hanya dapat memiliki anaknya sampai 14 tahun. Tahun selanjutnya, sang anak sudah akan memilih jalannya sendiri. Umur gue 22 tahun, dan nyokap udah sering banget mention nama anak-anaknya one by one akan 'pindah' rumah dari orangtua. "Bentar lagi kamu nikah deh, 1-2 tahun lagi." Kalaupun memang gue akan nikah dalam jangka waktu itu, 2 tahun masih lama menurut gue. Tapi tidak menurut nyokap. Dengan jatah hidup sebentar bersama anaknya, lalu ada diskon pula dengan 4 tahun gue kuliah di Bandung. Dan dalam ke-sebentar-an ini semua, I still don't make it count to be worthy.
Di suatu siang, nyokap akhirnya menegur gue secara tersirat dengan keras. Gue ini orangnya ketus. Dan akibatnya, gue sebenarnya sudah (mungkin seringkali) menyakiti hati orang lain. Mulai dari teman hingga orang yang lebih tua. Lebih dari apa yang udah gue sadari. Salah satunya adalah orangtua gue. Gue yang sering ngeluh kalau orangtua gue lupa sesuatu, gue yang sering marah-marah kalau orangtua gue gak ngerti apa yang gue kasitau.
Ada satu kalimat nyokap yang membuat gue berpikir banget buat intropeksi, menyadari bahwa gue sangat gatau diri. Hidup gue tuh udah 'numpang' sama orangtua, urusan apa-apa udah dibantuin. Tapi sedikit pertanyaan dari mereka, gue suka males menjawabnya serta dengan ketus pula. Padahal bicara lembut saja sudah bisa menenangkannya. Gue cuma anak, gak akan bisa balas sepadan, dan mereka pun sebenernya gak banyak minta. Padahal nyokap udah selalu jadi reminder gue yang seringkali lebih tau diri gue, dan bokap udah selalu ada waktu buat cari segala cara kasih yang terbaik buat keluarga. Then, I realized that I changed so much. Especially to them. Semakin tumbuh, gue semakin merasa dewasa yang merasa bisa hidup sendiri dan menentukan apa-apa sendiri. Berpikir bahwa gue sudah cukup bisa melakukan apa-apa sendiri.
Merantau ke Bandung mungkin bisa mengajarkan gue lebih dewasa, namun bisa jadi membuat gue sombong kepada orangtua, merasa bahwa gue sudah serba bisa. Padahal gue masih menjadi anak dari kedua orangtua. Mungkin hanya berlaku lemah lembut yang mereka minta. Karena orangtua selalu merasa ini semua sangat sebentar, anak mereka pergi dengan cepat tanpa sadar. Seperti nyokap dan bokap gue yang selalu merasa bentar lagi gue kerja, nikah, punya keluarga, pindah, dan kebayang-bayang sepinya rumah. Sedangkan anak ingin cepat dewasa, cepat-cepat mengejar cita-cita. Seperti gue yang 4 tahun seringkali terlalu nyaman menikmati Bandung. Padahal seharusnya gue sadar untuk menengok ke belakang, ada orangtua yang menunggu gue pulang.
Jika ada yang bilang, "Merantaulah agar tahu siapa yang dirindu." Maka, pulanglah agar ingat siapa yang merindu.